Which means that in the eyes of others, the color of the women I date is a big deal. Like I’m betraying my people if I date white women. I see people watching me with a stink eye, noses turned up, as if they think black and brown people would somehow be better off if I dumped my white girlfriend. Along with each watchful eye, the whispers of, “Pick a side, Chris, pick a side,” fill my already noisy mind. Yes, the black body has done more for society than it has gotten in return. How do I love as a brown body in the world in a way that makes everybody happy?
I started reading James Baldwin, Ta-Nehisi Coates and other black and brown authors looking for guidance, a road map, help on what it means to be a brown man in the world. Yes, society seems to want to embrace a lot of things associated with blackness without actually being black. If everyone is so woke, why are things so terrible? I fell for a white woman and she fell for me — simple as that — yet I feel as if I’m doing the wrong thing by dating her. Do white women find me attractive or do they see me as some exotic idea they should find attractive?
Do I find white women attractive or do I see them as some exotic idea I should find attractive? I have to think my preferences were at least somewhat shaped by the ubiquitous image of Latin men as “The Lover,” an image that’s been shoved down my throat. Not even close.”So here I stand, trying to be woke, and not dating white women, and feeling kind of bad about that.
Not because of what or whom we love, but as a way out, a way of being seen and of being saved. Because I’m definitely dating, and thinking that the decision to no longer date white women might not be my own, that any decision to choose a side doesn’t help the whole hashtag-woke thing because how do we solve anything if we just separate and isolate? Cool is such a simple word, not the word I want to be using right now. (I probably shouldn’t even be talking about dating or not dating white women.
He was married now and no longer had to be “chosen.” But habits ingrained in adolescence can be hard to break. I hadn’t thought about why that was, but when some brown and black people in my community started giving me a hard time about dating white women, I sensed they’d be happier if I stopped.
So early on I learned how important it was to be “chosen,” selected. It’s been a year since I broke up with my girlfriend, and I haven’t told her the real reason. I also got weird vibes from some white people, namely the parents of the women I was dating.
Before I was born, my mother told my father she was pregnant at 3 a.m. She and my pops made a commitment to give us children everything they never had, to strive and achieve and provide for us, and in response to their aspiration, some in their world thought they were leaving their roots behind and trying to become something else. Don’t date coarse hair, big lips and big noses”I brought home a black girl in high school and my aunt angrily mumbled, “Oh, do you see him and that Negrita?
Those folks said to them, “You trying to be white now?
I think I broke up with my last girlfriend because she’s white.
Like my pops said, “Maybe they’ll choose you.”It’s a message amplified by movies and TV, from “Save the Last Dance” to “Master of None” and dozens of other narratives that all feature, in one way or another, a black or brown man being made better from being with a white woman. An aspiration to “better the race” has always been a thing. And also, I mean, a lot of white women are really cool. Ah, man, this isn’t going where I wanted it to — )Anyway, this is me yearning, praying, journaling, writing, dialoguing, putting up a one-man show, wishing, trying to pick a side, wondering how to choose myself and trying to wrap my head around this, hoping that I’m doing woke right, because something just doesn’t feel right.
Since I was a child, I’ve internalized the idea that the hand I hold determines my worth more than my own hands. If we think about it, it’s really just a comment on power: “Chico, you trying to have power now? My grandmother and other grandmothers and mothers would warn us: “Don’t date someone darker than you. I don’t care about your damn opinions about how dark people are and how kinky their hair is. Christopher Rivas is a storyteller, actor and the creator of "The Real James Bond Was Dominican! To hear Modern Love: The Podcast, subscribe on i Tunes or Google Play Music. Continue following our fashion and lifestyle coverage on Facebook (Styles and Modern Love), Twitter (Styles, Fashion and Weddings) and Instagram.
Or, running into someone I knew from school and being bombarded with questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
Weekly therapy, endless doctor visits and tests, daily mental health education, and an obsession with getting better became my new normal. During this difficult time, I continued dating my college boyfriend.